Thunder Thighs

2 Jul

I love Nike.

I know, I know… it’s, like, “Welcome to the Club.”  Who doesn’t like Nike (the athletic brand, or the Greek goddess of strength, speed, and victory?)  Lots of people “love” Nike for their cool shoes, or their “the 80’s just puked up sorbet and bubblegum” colors, or the way their materials just feel on the skin.  (I have oft found myself walking past a rack of Nike clothes and unable to keep my fingers from trickling along the fabrics as I walk by.  All the while I’m thinking, “I’d love to take you home, but you’re a pair of tights costing $75.  My husband wouldn’t go for that.”  New life goal:  Get rich.  Buy Nike.)

No… my love for Nike is deeper than that.  My love for Nike is more than just looks; actually, my love for Nike is due to how their brilliant advertising department has managed to help me feel good about my looks.  So, I guess it IS about looks.  I mean, I’m female (is it obvious?) so, naturally, I was born with a gene that makes me hypercritical of my body:  I have “fat” kneecaps, an unsymmetrical face shape, love handles, and OMG the sky is falling, the sky is falling, the sky is falling!

Well, the sky was definitely falling last month when I found myself locked in a 3-mirrored dressing room in a pair of unforgiving spandex shorts.  It was one of those shorts that you need SOMEONE to confirm that it isn’t completely hideous but the only HONEST person available is your husband and since he isn’t allowed in the women’s dressing room, you have to walk ALL THE WAY out of the dressing room hoping no one sees you.  So, you first peek your head out of the dressing room, and then step out with your left big toe, and then trot down the hall, do a quick turn, run back to the room, and yell, “Do these make my butt look big???”  Yeah, it was one of THOSE shorts.  Because, here’s the thing:  I HAVE BIG QUADS.  I’ve heard “muscular,” “toned,” “buff,” and “dayyyum, girl, look at those legs!”  If I had a dollar for every time I was called, “Leggs,” well, I’d only have $10 because at some point the ethical thing to do is to just say, “Yeah, I already know.  Here, keep your dollar.”  You know how I know I have BIG legs?  Because sometimes guys’ eyes drift past my flat chest and go straight to the next BIG thing.  Awkward!  At least big boobs are closer to the face than to the crotch.  And if that isn’t a good enough sign, how about the fact that 6′, 175 lb Ryan and I wear the same size quad compression sleeve!  I SHOULD take that all as a compliment but, like I said, I was born with the Hypercritical-Of-My-Body gene on the X-Chromosome.

People, I have legs that belong on a boy:

So, here I am in the dressing room feeling defeated by a pair of shorts when I remembered Nike’s Thunder Thighs ad from a few years back.  It reads:

I have Thunder Thighs.

And that’s a compliment because
They are STRONG,

And TONED,
And MUSCULAR.

And though they are unwelcome in the petite section,
They are cheered on in marathons.

Fifty years from now,
I’ll bounce a grandchild on my thunder thighs.

And then I’ll go out for a run.

I’ll take it!  AND THE SPANDEX SHORTS, TOO.


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7 Responses to “Thunder Thighs”

  1. Jen July 5, 2010 at 20:57 #

    First of all, if I had legs like yours I would be THRILLED!!! Second, I just bought the shorts you have on in the bottom pic (the Nike ones) today! Love them. 🙂

  2. Fitness Fabulous July 10, 2010 at 10:40 #

    I love Nike too! Dislike the price though!

  3. David Patricola July 22, 2010 at 16:26 #

    Or, to us gaming nerds, Chun Li thighs:

    • jessicamacho July 23, 2010 at 06:41 #

      I feel like this is an accurate representation of me in cartoon form. Wowza.

  4. Jack October 16, 2010 at 04:27 #

    All I can say is-wow

  5. Jen March 8, 2011 at 01:58 #

    Been checking out your site for a while and dayymn! I have these thighs too. They came from my father and everyone thinks his calves are big from jogging but they are really just genetic. I love my thighs except when they start rubbing together and ruining my precious jeans! Grrr.

    • jessicamacho March 8, 2011 at 09:24 #

      Hey, Jen! Thanks for dropping in. I definitely have inherited my dad’s legs. My thighs totally rub together but now I’m, like, “Whatevs, at least I can squat and deadlift!” Ha! 🙂

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